One of my personal problems is that I am bombarded at random by old memories which are unpleasant. This isn’t like PTSD or what one might call legitimate guilt. The content of the memories while of course by definition personal, varies widely. I’m aware of a lot of my hangups and the memories in question aren’t a product of them. I do have what one might call traditional regrets of course, that is memories of moments where I acted in a way I would rather not have acted in hindsight, memories of actions for which I have no way to avoid personal blame or weakness. But why those regrets and memories bother me is obvious. (Maybe some of these regrets can be addressed by this new understanding as well.)
This other class of bombardment is different, they contain nothing that could reasonably be construed as shameful. Without digging down into particulars, I think I’ve figured out what’s going on generally and I thought it might be useful to share.
The bottom line is that the person who created these memories, is not the person remembering them, and therein lies the source of discomfort. I’m calling this “Identity Dissonance.”
Assuming relative freedom of choice at the time, the actions I took were perfectly in line with who I was. So why should those actions of perfect normalcy and understandability bother me so greatly and at random? Because I am a different person now than the one who participated in the creation of these memories. The past can’t be changed, and my memories don’t change all that much, but I on the other hand am changing constantly. Each new fact and experience that is added, as each misconception or myth is removed, the stew that makes up my identity changes a little. Over time that change can be near total. These memories are the only context I have to viscerally prove I am changing. Otherwise the process is so gradual that I don’t feel it.
This means that as they age, my memories grow less and less relevant to who I currently am. I should no more feel guilty about them, unless they accurately reflect who I am today, than I do hearing about the actions of others. If the actions were undertaken by a version of me who is identical to the current version and I still feel badly then that means I have a target for personal growth and something I need to deal with, but if the action no longer represents my current views and identity then I should be proud of my development.
It helps to share that the memories in question aren’t flattering. But the vexing aspect is that they aren’t shameful either for the most part. I used to drink so of course some of them stem from having said or done silly things, like say playing with firecrackers in my living room (to the doom of my VCR remote) over a decade ago. Some are even dream memories. Most are positively banal. This is what was annoying me most. I couldn’t figure out why these memories were bothering me so much, and now I think I finally have it figured out. Though they were bland they none the less captured the essence of my identity at that moment in time, and that identity is no longer valid. (Though I still am bland, just in a different way hehe.) This inconsistency clashed with intuitive ideas of identity. “I’m me and I’ve always been me and I’ll always be me.” Well yes, but “me” changes pretty radically. This is why dream memories were in the mix because the nature of the sleeping brain’s chemistry in effect makes us different people in our dreams. So even recent dreams were capable of producing this regretful dissonance. (As a side note this is why no one has logical reason to ever feel guilty about the content of a dream, though I more than most understand how little impact on emotion logic has.)
Hopefully this understanding of the nature of these regrets and why these memories bother me without previously known intellectual reason will enable me to internally respond to them such that I’ll eventually stop being pestered by them. Hopefully I’ve just given my psychological immune system a boost.
Update:
This is much less of a problem these days. Perhaps the discovery/realization discussed here lead to this increased peace, but also no doubt did my meds.
See also:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Involuntary_memory
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dynamic_inconsistency
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ulysses_pact
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_dissonance
I’ve experienced something similar to this. Do you know of any other articles on the topic? Also, do you know if what you refer to as “identity dissonance” goes under any other name?
Not exactly but I can share some links that might be instructive. I’ll attach them to the original article, refresh it in 30 minutes or so.