There are two types of reasons for suicide. Intellectual and emotional. (duh right?)
I’ve spent my whole life trying to be kind. I’ve always had a deep desire to please and on the whole society’s reaction to me has been poor. Every time I’ve gotten angry or greedy and acted impulsively because of it, I’ve prospered. Every time I’ve been kind and gentle or compassionate I’ve been harmed.
We all know the phrase no good deed goes unpunished, usually uttered as an ironic refrain. But really, what if that actually is the case?
What if reality doesn’t want us to be good to each other? Or at least has manifested in such a way that doing good results in a net drop in global pleasure as a rule. Strictly speaking part of what defines a good act is cost, so at least technically speaking, good acts are all punished instantly at least once. I’m beginning to think it is this way universally and here we have the root of my intellectual reasons for wanting to non-exist. If the choice is to be a torturous bastard, or to be a miserable one, I can see not wanting to go with option c, none of the above.
Emotionally my problem is this. I’m suffering and I shouldn’t. Not as in I don’t deserve it (which I don’t) but my life is awesome, especially compared to the average inhabitant of this little dirt ball. If all that doesn’t make me happy, what will? Sure I could go the Buddhist route and try to eliminate want, but that’s not really a solution is it, that’s like cutting your hands off to avoid arthritis. I mean isn’t merely not suffering the same as being dead? If I’m going to end up dead I don’t need to waste a couple decades praying first.
The meat is flawed. I have many things that brought me great pleasure when I acquired them but that pleasure faded with time. However I also have many memories which hurt me, and some are over 15 years old, and they still hurt me as much as they did. This is not right. If we don’t open ourselves up to the responsibility of physically changing our brains so that this is not the case, it’s going to become abundantly clear that there is no point in even trying to exist.
Either that or we should all live like Mongol invaders and really embrace Crowley’s Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law.
I wish someone could give me real hope beyond a distant transhumanist future.
But that’s just me being impatient. Real hope of any kind is enough.
What about doing some volunteering that isn’t to do with corporate greed. Gardening is especially good, if you are able, as it’s productive without being materialistic, great for one’s mental and physical health, it’s and it’s quite meditative too. Like maybe a hospice with a garden or, I dunno, an elderly person who can’t do it themselves any more maybe. Aside from that, it’s amazing how much you can learn in a short space of time, and then you have a better chance of getting different work without working for the system you are so pissed off with (well, of course we’re all linked to it in some way and there’s no getting away from that, but, you know).
What about doing some volunteering that isn’t to do with corporate greed. Gardening is especially good, if you are able, as it’s productive without being materialistic, great for one’s mental and physical health, it’s and it’s quite meditative too. Like maybe a hospice with a garden or, I dunno, an elderly person who can’t do it themselves any more maybe. Aside from that, it’s amazing how much you can learn in a short space of time, and then you have a better chance of getting different work without working for the system you are so pissed off with (well, of course we’re all linked to it in some way and there’s no getting away from that, but, you know).